This is a vacation announcement. We are taking a week off. There is no water of the week, but Joakim still drinks a can of tangerine-flavored sparkling water. Not for the podcast, but because he’s thirsty.
With episodes like these, a lot of listeners always message me afterwards and ask if I’m okay, if I need someone to talk to, if they need to worry about me. And then I’m always incapable of connecting with real people in a real way, so I say something dismissive, like, “What are you talking about? The podcast is just fiction! You think I’m ACTUALLY sad?” The theme for this week is ‘shitty grocery store water’ so we’re doing Lemon from Crystal Geyser and Strawberry Lemonade from Market Pantry. There was a third water, but I was -LITERALLY- too distraught to even remember.
This week, Joakim tries to live in the moment. At least the water is sparkling: De La Calle! Tepache Cactus Prickly Pear, Sway Passionfruit, and S.Pellegrino Essenza Blood Orange Black Raspberry.
Ellsworth Kelly is 92 years old and in an interview he said, apropos nothing, “I’d like to live for another 15 years.” This sounds like a man who is not ready for the thing that is coming. Water of the week is a tropical flight of immunity-centered sparkling water: Acai Blueberry Immunity Support Sparkling Water from Sparkling Ice, Mango from SWAY+IMMUNITY, Pomelo CBD Sparkling Water from Lei Back.
This is a tale of too much crime and not enough punishment. Awful. Water of the week is an Asian herbal mix: Kola Champagne from GinsengUp!, Blood Orange Ginger with Sencha Green Tea from Brew Dr. Kombucha and Guava Sparkling CBD Water from LEI BACK.
Apparently, there is a Taiwanese company called “Ocean Bomb” that makes sparkling water branded for anime. Tristin bought me three Sailor Moon flavors: Lychee, Mango and Strawberry. Thanks Tristin.
This is not the greatest podcast in the world—this is just a tribute. Also, 2007 was the year of the pig, but I was looking at it wrong and immediately started doubting a whole chunk of my own life. Also, I was trying to think of the word “sine wave” and I called it a Sinus Curve (because that’s what it’s called in Swedish). So there you go. Water of the week is three flavors of GT’s Synergy Raw Kombucha: Golden Pineapple, Watermelon Wonder, and Tangerine Dream.
“Sinatra with a cold is Picasso without paint, Ferrari without fuel—only worse. For the common cold robs Sinatra of that uninsurable jewel, his voice, cutting into the core of his confidence, and it affects not only his own psyche but also seems to cause a kind of psychosomatic nasal drip within dozens of people who work for him, drink with him, love him, depend on him for their own welfare and stability. A Sinatra with a cold can, in a small way, send vibrations through the entertainment industry and beyond as surely as a President of the United States, suddenly sick, can shake the national economy.”
Also, water of the week is Daytrip CBD-infused Sparkling Water in three parts: Cherry, Blackberry and Grapefruit.
In this episode, we try to answer some great sparkling water-related questions (such as “Do we live in a civilized society?”) Water of the week is Chamomile Sparkling Hop Tea from HopLark, Tropical Citrus and Pomegranate Acai from TONIK Vitamin Enhanced Hemp Seltzer. Also, thanks Daniel for reminding me to post this episode, because I almost forgot.
Mistakes, large and small. Here’s some water for you: Caffeinated Pear Hibiscus Sparkling Water from Good & Gather, Sparkling Ice Super Fruit Prickly Pear Lemonade and Juicy Pear from Huzzah Probiotic Seltzer.
My podcast database is experiencing hundreds of brute force log-in attempts per day, but we shall fight on the landing grounds, and we shall fight on the fields and in the streets. Our passwords are strong and our plug-ins are up to date. And even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this podcast or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then Sahu will carry on the struggle until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old. And so today, we are drinking dragon fruit: Vitamin Enhanced Hemp Seltzer BERRY DRAGONFRUIT (sic) from Tonik (sic), Super Fruit Strawberry Dragonfruit (sic) from Sparkling Ice, and Dragon Fruit Lemonade from Polar Seltzer.
What is human tension? Can it be recorded? Can it be savored and put into a bottle and made to last for two hours and fifteen minutes? Can tension be a good thing? Can tension be a place of warmth and friendship? We don’t know, but water of the week is Blood Orange from HOP WTR, Artisanal Sparkling Blood Orange from Lorina, Blood Orange/Vanilla/Black Tea from Sound.
“Kanye is a producer and sampler of music. Last week he sampled and remixed a classic tune that has charted for over 3000 years – the lie that Jews are evil and conspire to control the world for their own gain.” Water of the week is a tropical trio: Ginger Lime from Poppi, Guava São Paulo from La Croix and Peace Please from Steaz (disqualified: not crispy).
I just wish Joakim would start from the beginning when he tells a story. These ramblings are impossible to follow. Not a good episode. Water of the week: Agua Soda Natural from Skarch, Agua Mineral Natural Artesiana Gasificado from Felix, Agua Mineral from Peñafiel and Sparkling Natural Mineral Water from Tehuacán.
We make mistakes and then we live with those mistakes: Watermelon Mint from Nixie, Blue Monkey Sparkling Watermelon Juice Drink, Celsius Sparkling Watermelon.
Today, my podcast website broke. I tried to deactivate my themes and plugins, and then I tried to update my PHP, then I tried to restore the whole database from an October 3 backup, and then I tried to change the wp-config file and add lines of code to give myself more memory because someone on reddit said that might be the problem. At the end of all of that, the whole enchilada was way more screwed up than before and I lost my entire podcast and my whole life’s work. My entire Magnus Ovum—gone. Today was also a very difficult day in the bowels of the hospitality industry. Then, at 1AM, a nice Indian man from the GoDaddy tech support helped me fix everything and it turns out I was just using the wrong username and logging in as Not Admin. So now it’s fixed, and thanks to Sahu the tech support guy, we can all sparkle on. Thank you for your service, Sahu. Water of the week is Cherry Limade from Gold Emblem, Black Cherry from Crystal Geyser and Wild Cherry from Cleary Canadian.
I talked to that lady for 25minutes on the phone and I thought we were friends and then I shipped her stuff out and called her back to get payment info so she could pay shipping fee and she never picked up. Called her back, no answer. Turns out, we were never friends. Water of the week: Grapefruit-flavored Sparkling Hop Water from H2OPS, Sparkling Grapefruit from IZZE, and a Grapefruit Squirt.
You can listen to this podcast. We believe in you. Every single person over here at the Sparkling HQ–we all think you have it in you and it is going to be okay. Don’t have to worry about it. Just be normal. Don’t ruminate on my choices and don’t ruminate on your own choices. You can has little a podcast, as a treat. I won’t tell anyone. Oh, and by the way, Tristin says I have to apologize for how I treated that cat. I accidentally threw a bag of trash at a cat. So sue me. That is to say: I apologize. This week’s Lime is Lime: Lime-flavored sparkling water from Origin, Lime-flavored sparkling water from Spindraft (that’s it!) LIME FLAVORED sparkling hop water from HOPWTR.
Today, Sarah told me that seeing me at the mall was her worst nightmare. Why? Something about feelings of shame when people see us without friends. Are we all just victims of the same #LonelinessCrisis? Anyway, doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is sparkling water. Don’t call it a comeback: Mango Chili Tepache from De La Calle, Mango Sparkling Hop Water from HOPWTR and Pineapple Mango from Crystal Geyser.
For this episode, Joakim couldn’t think of anything to say. Water of the week is Zesty Lime from Arrowhead, Natural Lime from Crystal Geyser and Lemon from Arrowhead.
I know we’ve said this before, but don’t listen to this episode. This won’t be good for anyone. Water of the week is Strawberry Hibiscus from Nixie, Blood Orange-Vanilla-Black Tea from Sound and Country Raspberry from Clearly Canadian.
Mac DeMarco wants a table for twelve, fourteen at the most, although there might be six more, or eight more, or eleven more: there would never be one or two more, because music people do not travel in groups of “one” or “two.” Water of the week is the same river twice: Spindrift Pineapple and Coca-Cola Dreamworld. Also, “take a hike” is another good expression that we need to bring back, courtesy of Lilith, because it is wildly dismissive without using expletives.
Let’s pray that only one person listens to this difficult hour and a half. Water of the week is Peach-Pineapple-Mango Bellini Bliss from Bubly, Peach Black Tea from Nixie and Mango Black Tea from AHA!