115. We laugh, but it’s not funny.

In this episode, we try to answer some great sparkling water-related questions (such as “Do we live in a civilized society?”) Water of the week is Chamomile Sparkling Hop Tea from HopLark, Tropical Citrus and Pomegranate Acai from TONIK Vitamin Enhanced Hemp Seltzer. Also, thanks Daniel for reminding me to post this episode, because I almost forgot.

113. Joakim’s Dying Wish

My podcast database is experiencing hundreds of brute force log-in attempts per day, but we shall fight on the landing grounds, and we shall fight on the fields and in the streets. Our passwords are strong and our plug-ins are up to date. And even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this podcast or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then Sahu will carry on the struggle until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old. And so today, we are drinking dragon fruit: Vitamin Enhanced Hemp Seltzer BERRY DRAGONFRUIT (sic) from Tonik (sic), Super Fruit Strawberry Dragonfruit (sic) from Sparkling Ice, and Dragon Fruit Lemonade from Polar Seltzer.

112. Blood Orange with Maddie Davis

What is human tension? Can it be recorded? Can it be savored and put into a bottle and made to last for two hours and fifteen minutes? Can tension be a good thing? Can tension be a place of warmth and friendship? We don’t know, but water of the week is Blood Orange from HOP WTR, Artisanal Sparkling Blood Orange from Lorina, Blood Orange/Vanilla/Black Tea from Sound.

111. Things Are Getting ___________.

“Kanye is a producer and sampler of music. Last week he sampled and remixed a classic tune that has charted for over 3000 years – the lie that Jews are evil and conspire to control the world for their own gain.” Water of the week is a tropical trio: Ginger Lime from Poppi, Guava São Paulo from La Croix and Peace Please from Steaz (disqualified: not crispy).

110. Building a Fort in No Man’s Mexico

I just wish Joakim would start from the beginning when he tells a story. These ramblings are impossible to follow. Not a good episode. Water of the week: Agua Soda Natural from Skarch, Agua Mineral Natural Artesiana Gasificado from Felix, Agua Mineral from Peñafiel and Sparkling Natural Mineral Water from Tehuacán.

108. Sahu Saved My Wretched Life

Today, my podcast website broke. I tried to deactivate my themes and plugins, and then I tried to update my PHP, then I tried to restore the whole database from an October 3 backup, and then I tried to change the wp-config file and add lines of code to give myself more memory because someone on reddit said that might be the problem. At the end of all of that, the whole enchilada was way more screwed up than before and I lost my entire podcast and my whole life’s work. My entire Magnus Ovum—gone. Today was also a very difficult day in the bowels of the hospitality industry. Then, at 1AM, a nice Indian man from the GoDaddy tech support helped me fix everything and it turns out I was just using the wrong username and logging in as Not Admin. So now it’s fixed, and thanks to Sahu the tech support guy, we can all sparkle on. Thank you for your service, Sahu. Water of the week is Cherry Limade from Gold Emblem, Black Cherry from Crystal Geyser and Wild Cherry from Cleary Canadian.

107. No One Will Ever Find Out

I talked to that lady for 25minutes on the phone and I thought we were friends and then I shipped her stuff out and called her back to get payment info so she could pay shipping fee and she never picked up. Called her back, no answer. Turns out, we were never friends. Water of the week: Grapefruit-flavored Sparkling Hop Water from H2OPS, Sparkling Grapefruit from IZZE, and a Grapefruit Squirt.

106. Welcome to Phooj Ywg Lee’s Market

You can listen to this podcast. We believe in you. Every single person over here at the Sparkling HQ–we all think you have it in you and it is going to be okay. Don’t have to worry about it. Just be normal. Don’t ruminate on my choices and don’t ruminate on your own choices. You can has little a podcast, as a treat. I won’t tell anyone. Oh, and by the way, Tristin says I have to apologize for how I treated that cat. I accidentally threw a bag of trash at a cat. So sue me. That is to say: I apologize. This week’s Lime is Lime: Lime-flavored sparkling water from Origin, Lime-flavored sparkling water from Spindraft (that’s it!) LIME FLAVORED sparkling hop water from HOPWTR.

105. Sarah’s Worst Nightmare

Today, Sarah told me that seeing me at the mall was her worst nightmare. Why? Something about feelings of shame when people see us without friends. Are we all just victims of the same #LonelinessCrisis? Anyway, doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is sparkling water. Don’t call it a comeback: Mango Chili Tepache from De La Calle, Mango Sparkling Hop Water from HOPWTR and Pineapple Mango from Crystal Geyser.

102. Mac DeMarco with Gardenias in his Hair

Mac DeMarco wants a table for twelve, fourteen at the most, although there might be six more, or eight more, or eleven more: there would never be one or two more, because music people do not travel in groups of “one” or “two.” Water of the week is the same river twice: Spindrift Pineapple and Coca-Cola Dreamworld. Also, “take a hike” is another good expression that we need to bring back, courtesy of Lilith, because it is wildly dismissive without using expletives.

99. The North San Juan Community Center

First episode in new studio. Congratulations to us. We made it. We’re all the way up. Thanks to every single one of our supporters. Water of the week is The Three Faces of Berry: Mountain Blackberry from Clearly Canadian, Strawberry Lemon from Poppi, Acai Blueberry from Yerbaé. Conclusion: Champagne Papi is obviously Canadian.

98. Joakim shoplifts sparkling water

You want clean flour in your bag, but the perfect flour does not exist. You could sell us anything by bringing up our perfectionism, our fear of our own humanity, our fear of BitCoin crashing… Clean flour of the week is watermelon: Trader Joe’s Watermelon Lemonade Sparkling Water, Watermelon Prebiotic Soda from Poppi, and Watermelon Fruit Punch from Goat.

97. A Fear of Wildlife

I was always frustrated by the slow pace of creative work, and it was always assumed that the solution was to become more efficient and speed up the process. But perhaps there is a different way to understand that feeling of frustration. Perhaps we could become more patient and accept that things take time. Like always, the first half of this episode is boring and the second half is not boring. Water of the week is Black Cherry: Crystal Lake, Sunny Select, and BANG! (Black Cherry Vanilla).

96. We don’t *have* time… We *are* time

Natasha still likes Johnny Depp and that breaks my heart, but perhaps I am mingling plain fashion and the abstract invisible values at the bottom of it all? Perhaps we don’t disagree? Perhaps we live in different universes and our values are the same? Perhaps there are two types of disagreement about a question like this? We could have different values or we could have different beliefs about the facts? Whatever… Water of the week is a tropical travesty: Apricot Peach from Sunny Select! Finally! Orange Crème from Signature Select and Orange Créme from Raley’s. Notice how the accent on the E is going different directions in the word créme/crème. For Signature Select, it is a falling tone. The fourth tone. For Raley’s, it is a rising tone. The second tone. Nothing matters. Nothing is intentional. Free will is an illusion. Knowledge is infinite and meaningless. There is no winner. We all die alone and justice will never come. Give up now. We world has already ended.

95. On Having No Clout

For the first time in the history of sparkling water—I forgot to review the third water! Everything was moving along swimmingly and I reviewed two waters and then finished up the episode. At the outset, when I mention feeling scattered—that wasn’t a joke! Water of the week is a trio of “Disgusting Tropical”: Pineapple Coconut from Clover Valley, Peach Mango from Sunny Select, and (*UNREVIEWED*) Apricot Peach from Sunny Select.

93. We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live

How difficult it is, for us as humans, to understand that coincidences can be real. We want to tell stories. We want to make meaning. Everything must happen for a reason. Every pattern must be intentional. But what if it’s not? What if the universe doesn’t care about us? Then, perhaps, we must care about each other? Water of the week is our first Sparkling Water with Tea and Botanicals from Sound: Blueberry, Cinnamon, Hibiscus Tea. Also, Blackberry Raspberry from Sunny Select and Cranberry/Lime from Trader’s Joes Seltzer with a Splash.

92. Sad Girl Starter Pack

As young children, we make piles of hot trash and show it to our fathers and we want them to praise us. We want them to look and say that the hot trash is wonderful. We want them to express joy at who we are. That is how things must be. Without proper praise from our fathers, we cannot develop healthy self-esteem. We grow up to be needy adults that make hot trash podcasts that we want to show to the world, hoping that the world will look at our hot trash and praise it. More importantly, we want the world to look into our eyes and say that we are good enough, not because of what we made, but because of who we are. In this life, the world will always be a stand-in for our fathers and no Five Star Spotify Review will ever be enough! No lifetime Patreon supporter can ever fill that void! Anyway, the name of the shitty German grocery store that I couldn’t remember while recording is LIDL. Water of the week: Tangerine Lime from Sunny Select, Lime from Crystal Lake and Topo Chico Twist o’ Tangerine.